A few weeks ago, I wrote about leaving the fellowship of a video game that I've been playing for over five years.
I am back in that fellowship.
Not only am I back, I am the fellowship leader.
I returned on my own, so this is no one's fault but mine. Playing this city-building game by yourself is a bit boring. But I wasn't stopping. I had hoped the boredom would lead me to quit playing.
It didn't.
Maybe I needed to give it more than two weeks. I decided, though, that if I were still going to play, I may as well find a fellowship so that the rewards were better. Just until I finished up the current chapter I was in, mind you. It was taking a lot longer than I'd thought it would.
My old fellowship had not yet replaced me. Better the devil you know, right? I had friends there. I asked if I could return, but I said I didn't want to return to my old role of mage in charge behind the scenes.
But upon arriving back into the fellowship, I found it in disarray (fortunately mostly behind the scenes and not in front of the majority of the players). I had greatly underestimated my impact on this group. The leader was incapable of managing the thing alone. Another good player left shortly after I arrived because of something the leader said.
The next thing I knew, I was dragged into this, and then I was the archmage. I agreed to take it because everyone expected me to.
Things settled down almost immediately.
I still think I need to drop this game. The problem is, I don't have faith in myself to replace it with something as satisfying, or time consuming, or whatever need a video game meets.
It doesn't help to call myself an idiot, but I shouldn't have gone back. I did not expect this turn of events.
If I accept a responsibility, I tend to it, so I will deal with this as best I can now. But I know I need to make changes somewhere. I know I should be using my time better.
I know this isn't permanent.
Motivation, it seems, eludes me. Or maybe it really is an addiction.
Eventually, I will figure this out.
Damn it.
For months, many years ago, I got into playing Farmville on Facebook. It got a hold on me, and I wasn't reading books or being creative in any way as long as I played that game. It was really hard, but I stopped. There was another game not as long ago that I played, and the same thing happened. Again, it was hard. I have an addictive personality, and I just can't do any of those games without going "all in". I was very happy when I started playing Wordle because you can only do it once a day! I figure I can handle that.
ReplyDeleteThat's a real dilemma. Sometimes I think we guilt trip ourselves over things we genuinely like.
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