Just Walk Away, Renae

This weekend, I made what for me was a big move. In others' worlds, it was a nothing burger.

In March 2017, I started playing a video game called Elvenar. It's a world-building game. Essentially, you're running a city and through a research tree, you move forward in the game so that the buildings grow and change.

Spacing is a big issue, forcing you to think about how you utilize resources. Trading goods with other players is a necessity. 

Being in a fellowship is also a necessity. To that end, in August 2017, I co-founded a fellowship in Elvenar. While I did not hold the "top" honor of Archmage, I was head mage.

Basically, I ran the fellowship. The archmage was the shield so I could do the behind-the-scenes work.

When I started playing this game, my husband worked at the fire station, still, and it was easy to spend the evenings he was at the firehouse on my game. I'm not a big TV watcher, so the only thing I was neglecting, really, was my reading. At that time, I was having a lot of trouble with my eyes and reading was difficult, so this was not a big deal.

After my husband retired from the fire department, he was home every night. I changed up my routine so that most of my game playing was in the morning or immediately after dinner, when he was in the shower, because I wanted to spend my time with him. 

By this time, I had four cities in this game, with three of them supporting my main city, the one in the fellowship I'd helped establish.

As the game progressed, it began to take up more of my time. Some mornings I would find that three hours had passed and I'd yet to shower and do my chores. I was in charge of keeping up with 25 people, answering their questions, keeping a spreadsheet on their game play, because we were trying to take the fellowship to the top 10.

You don't get into the top 10 by being an occasional, relaxed fellowship. We worked to keep a balance so that other players didn't feel pinched. But ultimately, I was the one who ended up feeling pinched.

I've known for a year that I needed to drop this game. Or step back. But I'd been playing it a long time. I'd spent a little money on it, not much, but I'd certainly put a lot of time in it. It's hard to walk away from something that you're that invested in.

Also, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm not a little addicted to all things computer, and video games in particular. Video games are set up to lure you in and keep you there. 

This was the first time I'd ever played in a multi-player game. In my other video games, I played solo, because they were solo video games. When I played those, it didn't matter if I walked away for a week or a month and then went back to it. But Elvenar really encouraged players to be in fellowships or else forward movement slowed to a crawl.

I watched players come and go. There were 5 of us, including myself, who had stuck with the fellowship the entire time. Others have been there for several years. Some had left and returned.

The archmage and I are on a first name basis, and I consider him a friend. But he's a bit self-involved. In the past year, we've hardly communicated, and he was playing a lot less, and certainly not as hard as I was.

My reasons to stay were dwindling. And over the summer, I realized that I didn't care if made it through the next chapter in the game or built my city up anymore.

So, Saturday, I sent the archmage a personal note telling him I was leaving. His response was churlish, "More notice would have been nice," and he offered me no reason to stay, no relief from the responsibilities I'd taken on, or even "why don't you just take a month off, we'll hold your place." 

I thought I deserved at least that kind of consideration, but I didn't ask, and he didn't offer. I'm not sure I would have accepted if he had, but I am disappointed that he made no effort to be accommodating. All he could see was that he was being inconvenienced.

Then I sent the fellowship a note:

My Dear Friends:

Now, at long last, we come to the end of our fellowship. It is with sadness that I leave you today, but it is time for me to forego gaming and figure out something else to do with myself.

I depart so that another may help carry the FS into the top 10. I had been waiting for that to happen before I left, but we can't seem to get past 12th place. That's pretty good, though, for a FS that started out in 2017 with just FD and me and something like 303rd place.

May all of you have good health, much joy, and great laughter. And when you're slogging through another chapter of Elvenar, remember that patience is queen in this crazy little game.

This has been my first foray into multiplayer gaming. Thank you all for making it such a lovely time.

With kindest regards,

CountryDew

Yes, my player name was the same as the name I use on this blog.

At any rate, I sent the message, and then I left. (The fellowship dropped to 16th when I did; I have a really high score.)

It was much harder to do than I thought it would be, walking away. And of course, I didn't leave the game. I still have three other cities, though they are in relaxed fellowships, and it doesn't matter if I "make perimeters" or not there. If I don't show up for a few days, no one will say much, and it won't matter. And I can play the other city alone, if I want.

What I walked away from was the responsibility of trying to create a top 10 fellowship. I was tired and it was taking up a tremendous amount of my time.

It is time to move on, but sometimes that is incredibly difficult.

Now let's see what I'm walking toward, shall we?