Heavy Burdens

My phone rang and rang tonight, up until 10 p.m.

And always it was bad news.

First the bad news was about my husband's family. Two of his aunts are in the hospital. One I have written about before. Aunt Jenny had surgery for pancreatic cancer in early November. She is not doing so well. I love Aunt Jenny; she was a substitute teacher when I was in elementary school and I remember her coming in and teaching. When I married her nephew, she welcomed me with open arms.

Aunt Frannie lives in Salem and I do not know her as well, having not spent much time with her. She is in the hospital with a problem with her leg. I do not know the particulars on that but it does not sound very good.

The sisters are not in the same hospital. Their other sister, Aunt Nancy, is in North Carolina recovering from knee surgery. And their brother, my father-in-law, is on oxygen, though he continues to work far too hard for a man of his age. They all worry me.

And then my brother called tonight to tell me, among other things, that my grandmother who lives in California is in the hospital. They are unsure what is wrong. It is hard to know when you are this far away.

My grandmother turned 90 in March.  I wrote about that in this post. I called her last on June 11, which was my grandfather's birthday, and we had a long chat. My grandfather passed away in 1989.

I have never spent much time with my grandmother, for California is a very long way away. For a long time I did not have the money to fly out, and have never had the time to drive out. Living on a farm generally means you don't take long trips like that, because someone must feed the cows. Then as we've aged, someone has had to be here to help out the older folks. Now I have a problem with my ear that keeps me grounded. I cannot fly unless I am sedated. I don't think I will ever get to California.

On top of that, my heart has been sagging for months now, with personal sorrows and troubles that I won't share but which have plagued me for some time. I try very hard to be happy in my writing in this blog but sometimes it is impossible not to feel totally overwhelmed by life, even though I know I really have nothing to complain about.

But tonight I feel as heavy as a dew that has stained delicate silks strewn about the grass. When the sun rises I know I will feel a little lighter, but right now, with darkness knocking at my windows it is very hard to recall.