Showing posts with label Self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 03, 2024

I Am Nighttime

I do not like to wake at 5 a.m. and start the day. Nor do I like going to bed early (though I do, it's a marital compromise). 

When my husband worked a 24-hour shift as a firefighter, I frequently stayed up until 2 a.m. reading a book. I would get up about 7 a.m., regardless, but I did not - and still do not - hit my stride until about 10 a.m.

Then, I am at my best. When I was working hard at my freelancing, I did my best writing during the hours of 10 and 2, with an energy drop after 3 p.m.

Later, after dinner, often I would hit another upswing, and the nights my husband wasn't home might find me at the computer writing and working again in a second round, sometimes until the wee morning hours, if I had a deadline.

In this way, I could pump out 30+ articles a month. My rhythms are different.

I am not necessarily a nighttime person, but I also not a morning person. My life and my moods, though, are more like the moon.

I do not ever recall shining as brilliantly as the sun. My husband does that - for me, anyway, he's like a brilliant spot of sunshine.

There have been days when I may have shone as brilliantly as a supermoon on the cusp of moonrise. But not often.

I am moody. I am dark. I tend to see not progress, but regression. The cup half empty, not half full. I roam around through life with my eyes blinded sometimes, unable to see what I need to and yet sensing and knowing so much more than many others. I have always been able to make massive leaps from point A to point M and on to Z without too much effort. I can see how the puzzle pieces fit together in almost any given situation. I catch the meanings that others miss.

But the darkness does overcome me much more frequently than it should. Even though there are experts who do not believe children have problems with depression, I would say to them, "You are wrong." I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, and these days the doctor calls it dysthymia - long, drawn out depression that doesn't stop me in my tracks - I have never let it stop me completely - but which keeps me from enjoying many things.

I wane and wax like the moon, sometimes shriveling up until I am the new moon, a total darkness where the stars can best be seen. Only I do not see the stars until the moon begins waxing again. I know that the turn will come, it's just a question of when. When will I be a full moon again?

My husband was forewarned of this before we married, before I said yes to the question. I told him about my moods. Even at 20, I knew I had mood swings that could be difficult. I made sure he experienced them.

He married me anyway. Despite my eternal sadness, my constant emptiness, and the damnable feelings of unworthiness that have plagued me always, he smiled at me, lifted me, and married me.

I may be a creature of the night, but I am indeed a lucky one.




Tuesday, June 08, 2021

They Say It's My Birthday!

Today is my birthday!

I've circled the sun 58 times! Whoo wee! I am old.












Being old is not so bad. It's not great, but I know a lot more now than I once did. I don't think I'll ever get to travel like I'd once hoped to, but that's ok. I'm a homebody anyway.

I share my birthday with Joan Rivers, Barbara Bush, Nancy Sinatra, and a bunch of very young famous people whom I do not know.

This is the 159th day of the year. Or maybe the 160th in a leap year.

In 1949 on June 8, George Orwell's book, 1984, was published.

Being born on June 8 means I am a Gemini. And boy does that fit! You ever know if I will be smiling or swinging a punch.

"Gemini is known for their quick thinking and their expressive nature. Geminis are individuals animated by an intense curiosity that takes them to new and unchartered horizons. Gemini personality traits include being sympathetic, sociable, intelligent and adaptable in every type of situation."

"Gemini women are very passionate about life but are very hesitant when it comes to love. Due to their intelligence and indecisiveness, Gemini women agonize about the important decisions in their life. If you're dating a Gemini woman, be patient with her; it may take her longer to commit to a serious relationship. However, Gemini women are very witty and outgoing; you'll always have fun spending time with a Gemini woman."

My brother and husband are also Geminis, as was my mother, my maternal grandmother, and my paternal grandfather. Lots of June birthdays in our family.

So far I've received about 100 Happy Birthday's on Facebook, a Wonder Woman mug from a friend, and a little patio table from my husband. And lots of texts, too.

It's nice to have a special day!

Monday, June 08, 2015

They Say It's My Birthday

So yep, another year's gone by. I've spent nine of them writing almost daily on this blog.

I spent the first 20 living at home with my parents, the last 32 living my husband. I took eight years to obtain a BA, and another eight to obtain a masters degree.

I have been writing for The Fincastle Herald is some capacity or another for 31 years. I've written and published literally thousands of articles and photographs. I've managed to be published in about a dozen different venues, but I've yet to write a book.

Twelve years of my life were taken up working at various lawyers' offices.

I've had more than a dozen different surgeries.

My journals take up boxes of space in one of the closets.

My hobbies still include writing, music, and reading. And video games. Mustn't forget that big time-waster. I like to garden, too, but that has become too physical for me in the last two years.

I enjoy fantasy, science fiction, mysteries, mainstream literature, and weird stuff. I am not a "prepper" but I keep a lot of toilet paper around in case there is an apocalypse. Can't have the world coming to end with nothing around to wipe your bum.

My friends on Facebook number about 500, and I am blessed with a number of folks that are true-life in-the-flesh friends.

My husband loves me.

So not bad for 52 years, I suppose.











I guess if one looks hard enough, you can see that young girl in the old woman pictures at the top.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Twenty-one Questions

I pulled this meme from over at Sweetfluttersby's. Help yourself if like me you need something to put on your blog!

1. Do you like bleu cheese? It's okay.

2. Have you ever smoked? When I was a teenager I tried it but it didn't stick.

3. Do you own a gun? If I tell you I will have to kill you.

4. What flavor Kool Aid was your favorite? Lemonade.

5. What do you think of hot dogs? I choked on one in 1999 and had to have it surgically removed. What do you think I think of them after that?

6. Favorite Christmas movie? It's a Wonderful Life

7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? I have a cup of hot tea every morning.

8. Can you do push ups? I doubt it.

9. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My wedding band.

10. Favorite hobby? Reading.

11. Do you wear glasses/contacts? Yes. And probably will soon need bifocals. Can you see me now?

12. Middle name? I only give that out on a need-to-know basis.

13. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Unsweetened tea and water. I sometimes have hot coco or juice but that isn't regularly.

14. Current worry? My blood pressure, which does not seem to be responding to new medication

15. Current hate right now? The economy which is hurting people I know.

16. Favorite place to be? Right where I am.

17. Do you own slippers? Yes

18. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I don't think I ever have.

19. Can you whistle? Yes. Once I was whistling in the store and a shop clerk came hurrying around the corner. She spied me and stopped. "I thought you were a man," she said, and whirled on her heel and away from me. I was greatly amused.

20. What songs do you sing in the shower? I sing along to whatever is playing on the radio.

21. Last thing that made you laugh? I must be pathetic since I have to stop and think about this and can't come up with an answer, but I laugh nearly every day over something.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Four Things

This meme comes from Sweetfluttersbys. She challenged anyone who wanted to follow her in doing this and I was feeling obliging.

So here goes:

Four jobs I’ve had

-sales and purchasing in a machine shop
-legal secretary/receptionist
-small town weekly reporter
-retail clerk in a downtown Roanoke store

Four movies I can watch over and over

- Dirty Dancing
- Steel Magnolias
- Flashdance
- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (all three movies)

Four places I’ve lived

- Salem, VA
- On Lee's Gap Road outside of Fincastle, VA
- On Breckinridge Mill Road outside of Fincastle, VA
- On Blacksburg Road outside of Fincastle, VA.

Obviously I have pretty much lived in one place all of my life.


Four TV shows I love

- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- Xena: Warrior Princess
- Cagney & Lacey
- Six Feet Under

Four places I’ve vacationed

-Myrtle Beach, SC
-Williamsburg, VA
-Gatlinburg, TN
-Virginia Beach, VA

Four of my favorite foods

-chocolate
-root beer
-strawberries
-yeast rolls

Four sites I visit daily

-Blogger/favorite blogs
-Google.com
-AOL
-wherever my work and research takes me

Four places I would rather be right now

-on vacation at Myrtle Beach, SC
-In a cabin in the woods where no one can find me
-Scotland, Ireland or England
-in bed with my husband ;-)

Okay, anybody else wanna play? Have at it.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Diet and Exercise

My efforts to lose weight are proving fruitless.

About 24 years ago, when I weighed a whole lot less, I fit into a very tiny-waisted wedding dress.

Today I suppose I'd need a barrel.

My weight began to creep up almost immediately after I married, but I kept it in check. My husband also has weight issues and his favorite diet when we first married was the Scarsdale Diet, which was very similar to the Atkins Diet.

So occasionally we'd do some half-hearted Scarsdale Diet and things would be lovely.

Then it was time to have a baby, and endometriosis reared an ugly, painful head. Infertility loomed. I was 23 years old.

The doctors put me on a variety of drugs, some of which mimicked pregnancy in an effort to "kill" the endometriosis so I could then have a baby.

My weight blossomed like a stink flower overfed on Miracle Grow.

Then at the tender of age of 29 came the hysterectomy and hormone pills. Boom. Instant menopause. Also instant migraines and more weight gain.

My weight crept and crept. Up and up. Conspicuously missing was exercise - I wasn't raised to exercise. I lived on a farm, I slung hay bales when I was young.

But I no longer did those activities. Hiking, something I loved to do but my husband did not, became infrequent because I feared to go by myself as the world churned with rage.

I worked part time and full time jobs and put myself through college. I stayed busy but my work was not physical.

In August 2003 I took a trip to Williamsburg. The weather was hot and humid. I huffed and puffed during the entire trip.

I vowed to lose weight. But nothing happened.

My husband went on the Atkins Diet in 2004 and his pounds fell off. I followed suit and lost weight too. I also gained problems with depression and constipation. I felt terrible.

I went off the diet. But even today, bread makes only rare appearances in our house; we eat much better and healthier. I began buying organic - fresh fruits, veggies. Not so much processed food. Fewer snacks.

I attempted to exercise in spurts, but nothing stuck. I couldn't find the time and I didn't think it would help.

Finally, in December 2006, I began walking very slowly on the treadmill. Before this I would attempt to do miles at a time and become frustrated when I couldn't, so I didn't go back. This time I just did five minutes and called it a day. Then I did seven minutes. Then 10.

In a month I was doing a 1.5 miles every day. I began to lose weight. Things looked good. I was feeling better.

Then the dizziness struck. I couldn't keep my balance when I was walking the floor, much less a treadmill. Desperate to keep my momentum, I bought Denise Austin tapes. I did them as best I could. A couple of times I lost my balance and fell on my face, but I persevered. In July I was able to get back on the treadmill.

In August 2006, I developed shin splints. This hurt a lot.

I bought a recumbent exercise bike so I could get off my feet. I began lifting small weights.

Finally in November I hopped back on the treadmill. I worked myself back up to 20 minutes a day. Then Wham. February of this year brought me plantar fasciitis that turned into a heel spur.

And here I am, still limping along. I am walking 10 minutes a day on the treadmill, sitting 10 minutes on the bike. Occasionally I go to the sports complex and walk around it twice, which is supposed to be about a mile. Some days I make it around four times before my feet hurt so bad I can hardly make it to the car.

I also lift weights. I do some exercises on a medicine ball, I get in the floor and stretch. Occasionally I do a Tai Chi routine with a video tape. What's really missing, though, is good cardio and I know that.

My feet are still hurting, though they are better. I ignore it and do the best I can.

The weight has crept back. I'm not quite where I was in 2005 but I am close. I crave sugar a lot. I try not to give in but often do. I eat 100 times better than I did even four years ago, but the weight keeps coming.

Despite the return of the flab, I feel better than I did 2 years ago. I have more energy and I am stronger. I can walk longer distances without feeling winded. The effort has had tangible results.

Just not the results I want.

I'm not asking for solutions, I'm just trying to put it out here where I can look at it. To many people I am sure I haven't done enough. Not enough willpower, some think. No self control.

Maybe they are right.

But for me, the changes I have made have been difficult and in some respects incredible. I know I can do more, if the injuries will halt long enough for me to figure it out. And I really want to find a way to change my eating habits that doesn't leave me feeling depressed, or sick or weak or any of the other things that diets often do to me.

I have to be able to think and work and get through the day.

I am not looking for longevity. I figure I will live as long as I am supposed to. But I would like to feel good while I'm on this earth. I'd like to be able to walk to McAfee's Knob without wondering if someone will have to ride up in a 'Gator to get me back down.

I consider myself to be in terrible shape. Mrs. E., bless her heart, told me during our recent first "get to know a fellow blogger" meeting that I didn't look anything like she expected from my descriptions. She did not think I looked as bad as I believe I do. Her words made me feel a little better about myself.

I would like to lose 15 pounds by Christmas. I think this is doable, even with Thanksgiving.

I just don't have any idea how to go about it at this particular moment.