"It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. . . That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.” - Samwise Gamgee, The Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers (Peter Jackson movie version)
Now we come to it - the new year. Another day, a reason to purchase a new calendar. Maybe a time to reflect, but I have stopped making goals and resolutions. I think this is an error on my part, for we all need something to reach for . . . something to have hope about, whether it is as large as saving an entire land from darkness or as small as purchasing a longed-for object, or creating something big or minor.
Hope springs eternal in the heart of humanity, no matter how much darkness we see, or how much rain falls. Rainbows do come, after all, at some point, even if we don't live to see them.
Life goes on.
Here's what the sunrise looked like this morning:
How can you not have hope on a gray day when it starts out with a little pink?
One of my favorite Tolkien quotes goes like this:
All that is gold does not glitter,Not all those who wander are lost;The old that is strong does not wither,Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
- A light from the shadows shall spring;
- Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
- The crownless again shall be king.[1]
It's a poem in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. In the movie, I think Gandalf says the line about "not all who wander are lost" and Arwen cites the last part after she convinces her father, Elrond, to reforge the sword of Gondor.
The second line resonates with me, and I suspect many others, because we are wanderers of the world, seekers who are not content to be the best tradesman, musician, writer, or whatever. Instead we are those 'jack-of-all-trades' people who know a lot about many things, and are not experts on anything at all.
Being that type of person can leave one a bit groundless and rootless, however, because that person never really settles down. Even if the wanderer stays in one place, there is always a searching, a something in the soul that is constantly looking about, with eyes on the stars, the trees, the blades of grass - or in this day and age, reading endlessly on the Internet - because the mind never stops wandering even if the body is in stasis.
Elizabeth Gilbert called it a "curiosity driven life" and I think it is much the same thing as a wanderer. Being nomadic of mind means you never stop asking questions, you're always seeking something more - whether that's a sign that one has deep wells within the soul that need filling, I cannot say. I think for me it is - a sense that something is missing, as if my twin were ripped from me at birth. A sense of loss that gives one an intense need to continue searching, pilgrims of religions and politics, vagrants of the world who, while perhaps productive and self-sufficient, are still hobos in the heart.
Many people take sabbaticals and go on long self-exploration journeys, and they are admired for this because it appears they have reached some pinnacle of understanding, and moved on to be firmly planted, trees with deep roots. Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love and Cheryl Strayed's Wild come quickly to mind. And then there was Jesus himself, who took his body off to the desert to confront whatever demons might have been out there.
I don't know though, that those souls are settled. Gilbert claims to have a single passion - writing - but she's built quite a career out of public speaking and jetting about the world, all based on a single book. Strayed, I suspect, is still seeking. I did not find that personality to be one who would dig deep roots. Jesus is whomever one wants him to be - messiah, prophet, soldier. Certainly still wandering and not settled, his message corrupted and regurgitated time and again throughout millennia.
A long time ago I visited a shamaness who insisted I needed to be grounded. I had no roots, she said, (even though at the time I'd lived in the same house for about 20 years) and I should visualize myself every day growing roots into the ground, so that I might stay put. But this was really her vision for the perfect life, I think - one where a person is grounded, rooted, and satisfied. While this is sometimes something I greatly desire, I do not think it is a satisfaction I shall ever obtain. I am like Galadriel, with the One Ring handed to me, only to turn it away. Or maybe I am Sisyphus, pushing that rock every day, nonstop.
Roots such as those the shamaness wanted for me have nothing to do with physical place, but instead deal with the soul. Many people have told me I have an old soul, an earthy soul, even, but my soul is also clouded, dusty, and reeking with despair. There are days when I reel from thought to thought, my wanderings so many that even I cannot keep up. An hour in conversation with me can wear out both me and the person to whom I speak, if they can keep up, when those wanderings are racing through my brain.
I am alone, as we all are, even with someone standing beside us, holding our hand. What these stories of wanderings and finding of selves tell us is that ultimately we are alone - and our journey is ours, and no one else's. These days we are so absorbed in being 'human doings' instead of 'human beings' that we forget sometimes to see the sunset, or see a cloud cross a full blue moon, or watch a blade of grass dance in the wind. So busy looking down that our wandering has ceased.
Sometimes I envy those who do not wander, the ones who appear to have found their lot in life. Those who set goals and work only to achieve them, eschewing all else until their passion has been captured and embraced. I am unable to do that - my mind is to quick to spot the dandelion and forget I need to mow the yard.
The people I love flit through my life, some leaving great, bloody gashes, and others leaving bandages and kisses. Some will be with me until my eyes close and my wandering ends. It is that way for all of us, I think, only we don't take time to stop and recognize that this great adventure, this life, is so very different and yet exactly the same for us all. We are all kindred spirits who long for soulmates and at the same time we are demonic devils who desire to do damage. That is what it is to be human, to be wandering.
Even you, dear reader - whom I may or may not know - have a role in my journey. Your eyes flitting along these paragraphs mean something, even if you leave no comment nor give this no thought. We pass here on this page, on the street, in the shadows of the dawn when we both are asleep and dreaming.
Wandering together, each of us, alone.
J. R. R. Tolkien quotes:
1. Not all those who wander are lost. (The Fellowship of the Ring)
2. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” (The Fellowship of the Ring)
3. I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. (The Fellowship of the Ring)
4. If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.
5. Never laugh at live dragons.
6. Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens. (The Fellowship of the Ring)
7. The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater. (The Two Towers)
8. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends. (The Fellowship of the Ring)
9. There is some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for. (The Two Towers)
10. It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to. (The Lord of the Rings)
11. I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil. (Return of the King)
12. A single dream is more powerful than a thousand realities.
13. Fantasy is escapist, and that is its glory. If a soldier is imprisioned by the enemy, don't we consider it his duty to escape?. . .If we value the freedom of mind and soul, if we're partisans of liberty, then it's our plain duty to escape, and to take as many people with us as we can!
Some extras:
Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on? (The Hobbit)
Little by little, one travels far.
I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things, Sam. (The Return of the King)
Courage is found in unlikely places.
It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish. (The Lord of the Rings)
“What do you fear, lady?" [Aragorn] asked.
"A cage," [Éowyn] said. "To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire.” (The Return of the King)
Here's Tolkien reading from The Hobbit.
____________
Thursday
Thirteen is played by lots of people; there is a list
here if you want
to read other Thursday Thirteens and/or play along. I've been playing for a
while and this is my 407th time to do a list of 13 on a
Thursday.
