Thursday Thirteen

Survivor just ended its 50th season. We watched most of it. We did not watch much of Season 49, but since this was a "special" season, and Stephanie was coming back, I wanted to see it. I always did like Stephanie, even if I don't know her last name.

A recent turn of events at home, to be written about at another time, forced me to admit that I could never be a contestant on Survivor. Here are 13 reasons why.

1. I would not last an hour sleeping on dirt, sand, or pieces of bamboo. I am the first cousin to the title character in The Princess and the Pea.

2. I am allergic to fish and I won’t eat coconut. That leaves me eating nothing but rice and, I don’t know, maybe worms?

3. I am on medications that say, “do not be in direct sunlight.” Survivor is basically 39 days of direct sunlight.

4. I haven’t been swimming in 20 years. If the challenge involves water, I’m the one yelling “Y’all go on without me.”

5. I can’t even get into my bed without a step stool. How would I ever climb a rope?

6. My idea of “roughing it” is when the hotel ice machine is on a different floor. If I have to walk outside to pee, I’m done.

7. I require water that is crystal clear from a Brita Pitcher, not strained through a sock by a nasty well. And I’m not drinking it out of a bamboo cup carved by someone named “Boston Rob.”

8. I cannot function without at least three pillows arranged in a precise orthopedic geometry. A rolled‑up sweatshirt is not a pillow. It is a cry for help.

9. I would absolutely tell on myself during a challenge. “Jeff, I stepped off the beam. I know you didn’t see it, but I did.”

10. My resting face is ‘I’m judging you,’ which would get me voted out immediately. Someone would say “tribe unity,” and my eyes would betray me.

11. I would form an alliance with a hermit crab and then cry when someone stepped on it. Emotional resilience is not my strong suit.

12. I cannot whisper. Every strategy session would be me stage‑whispering, “I THINK THEY’RE VOTING FOR YOU,” and blowing up the whole plan.

13. If Jeff Probst yelled “Come on in!” I would yell back, “No thank you, I’m good right here in the shade.”  

And that would be the end of my Survivor journey.

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Thursday Thirteen is played by lots of people; there is a list here if you want to read other Thursday Thirteens and/or play along. I've been playing for a while, and this is my 961st time to do a list of 13 on a Thursday. Or so sayth the Blogger counter, anyway.