Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing

1. How many gravy boats do you have in your kitchen?

A. None.

2. Do the clothes in your laundry basket need ironing?

A. No. I do not buy clothes that need ironing. Ironing is a big waste of time.

3. What is the last thing you wallpapered?

A. It was either the bathroom or the kitchen and it was over 20 years ago and both are long gone. Wallpaper is evil. I will never wallpaper anything again.

4.  Wooden floors or carpet?

A. Wooden floors.

5.  Why do we put out guest towels if no one is supposed to use them?

A. I don't put out guest towels. I put out towels and expect people to use them.

6.  If your spatula could talk, what would it say about your duvet?

A. I broke my spatula the other day. It's dead. It doesn't say anything about anything anymore. That's what happens if you talk around me about my duvet. Who knows what all is buried on this farm?

7.  Have you replaced the batteries in your smoke alarms this year?

A. My smoke alarms are 30+ years old and tied to the electrical system, which I think is stupid because that means if the power goes out we have no alarms.

8. If you could put thyme in a bottle, what is the first thing that you'd like to do?

A. Smell it, I guess, since thyme is a spice or herb or something.

 

9. Do eggs really crack or do they merely have a nervous breakdown?

A. They crack and then they are thrown into a bowl and beaten until they are all gooey and yellow.

10. Why are you whipping the butter? What did it ever do to you?

A. I don't whip butter. I take an axe to the butter and use it on the bread.

11. Do your spoons spoon in the drawer? Have you ever noticed? And more importantly, if wooden spoons spoon do they get splinters?

A. I only have one wooden spoon, so I only worried about what it did with the spatula, but since I broke the spatula I no longer have to worry about that. As for my other spoons, they may spoon all they want. They can even have little spoons if they so desire.

12. You hear: "Dumpling, my Dumpling, come hither." The candles are lit, the fondue is dipping, the Godiva is pouring, the scallions are steaming and the music is playing.....but wait, the windows are open.  Why did you close them?

A. I don't even know how to answer that. But my windows are always closed because I'm allergic to everything outside of the house.

13.  Do you need a recipe to cook or are you a bohemian chef?

A. It depends on what it is. I make meatloaf without a recipe and it never comes out the same way twice but it's always good.

14. Is your pot black?

A. The one I pee in is almond colored. The ones in the kitchen are shiny.

15. What is the sexiest spice or condiment in your cabinet?  What makes it so?

A. Paprika. It's just so . . . pappy and rika gettin' it on on the low down.

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