Thursday Thirteen

Wisdom from an emotional intelligence test:

1. Recognize emotions for what they are. Emotions are a signal. Don't let negative emotions simmer; instead, milk them for information.

2. Emotions and logic are not enemies. Emotions are a message. Logic is the way we interpret the message.

3. Don't brush aside gut instincts or intuitions.

4. Know the consequences of suppression. A buildup of negative emotions can result in a messy explosion, like a shaken soda can.

5. Learn to relax. Take deep breaths. Repeat calming words to yourself. Use imagery. Do a soothing task. Practice stretching, yoga, tai chi, etc. Go outside and breathe in fresh air.

6. Learn to use empathy. (I think 9/10 of the world needs to figure this one out.) Increase your connection to other people by truly listening and trying to put yourself in their shoes.

7. Don't fall victim to "The Fundamental Attribution Error." This means stop trying to figure out the causes of other people's actions. For example, the person you call a jerk who cuts you off in traffic maybe just learned his mother died. Be more forgiving. Try to understand that others are under just as much pressure and stress as you are, and as a result, their behavior may not always represent who they are.

8. Learn body language. People are not always honest. Be alert to the contradictions between what people say and how they behave. A terse "I'm fine" means the person probably isn't.

9. Deal with conflict in a timely manner. Don't have words in a public place. Pick the right place and time, but don't let it fester.

10. Be open to compromise. Give a little. Look past your own self-interest and think of what is the best resolution to a conflict as a whole.

11. Nurture your mental and emotional flexibility. Get beyond black-and-white thinking. Be open-minded with others. Focus on the best solution, not the solution you want.

12. Think before you speak (or post on Facebook or Tweet, for God's sake). Ask yourself if what you are about to say or write is worth communicating. Will it be productive? Is there a better way to say it?

13. Use "I" phrases. When criticizing, phrase it from your own point of view. Instead of "You frustrate me" say "I am frustrated when you do blah blah because it does blah blah." Say how you feel, why, and ask the other person a question that leaves the ball in their court. "You" phrases are accusatory, which puts the other person on the defensive.

This came from testyourself.psychtests.com which has a lot of different personality/psychological tests on it. Some are free, most you pay for. This one is incredibly long, which I didn't realize when I started it, and after spending about two hours on it I went ahead and ponied up the money for the full results. Essentially my score was reasonably good (right in the middle of the bell curve), but low in areas like emotional expression, personal drive, emotional regulation, comfort with emotional situations or people, and goal-setting (which was my lowest score), and self-motivation (not good for a self-employed freelancer, I suppose). I scored high in identifying emotions, social competencies, adaptable social skills, social insight, conflict-resolution knowledge, empathy, and flexibility.

I like to do a little self-analysis from time to time to see where I might need to step up. Obviously I need to set some goals for myself. I was talking about this with a friend just the other day. I had major goals but I reached them (obtain my BA, obtain my masters, write for the newspaper), but I didn't replace them as I reached them. So I need to replace them and figure out where I'm going now. I suppose at my age this could be a bucket list sort of thing, since I am old enough to die.

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you may think you know me. What would you suggest I consider for goals?

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Thursday Thirteen is played by lots of people; there is a list here if you want to read other Thursday Thirteens and/or play along. I've been playing for a while and this is my 558th time to do a list of 13 on a Thursday. Or so sayth the Blogger counter, anyway.