Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Ways You Know You're Not 13 anymore:

1. Your hair is so gray people whiny like a horse behind your back.

2. You know things you were clueless about 30 years ago, like how to pay your taxes quarterly.

3. Your boobs are no longer perky and sunny but instead look more like a quarter moon looking down on the earth.

4. Your collective memories are enough for two people the age of 20.

3. Strange lines stretch across your thighs, hips and belly, and if you turn sideways you look like a road map of the state.

4. The state map continues on into Kentucky, thanks to the varicose veins in your legs.

5. You have a solar system chart of the planets and stars on the back of your hands and arms, courtesy of age spots.

6. Your bones hurt so much you don't bother with the weather channel; you just ask your knee.

7. You can't lose weight no matter how much you ride that damned bicycle.

8. You need your glasses to see far away. And up close. And everywhere in between. And God forbid you lay them down because you can't see to find them again.

9. You sing along and know all the words to the songs only to have the DJ call it an "oldies" station.

12. Getting down in the floor (and then back up again) has become a major challenge - so much so you consider it part of your exercise routine.

13. You don't even think about drinking, smoking weed, or going to all-night parties. Instead you think about drinking 8 glasses of water a day for good health, hacking weeds in the garden, and going to bed at 10 p.m.