Thursday Thirteen

Recently announced - the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Roanoke market:

1) HUNTING HILLS BARBIE: This princess Barbie is sold only at Neiman Marcus, usually purchased online, (closest Neiman Marcus is at Tyson's Corners in Fairfax .) She comes with an assortment of Louis Vuitton handbags, a leased Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a house larger than she and Ken can afford. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken, M.D. sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

2) CAVE SPRING BARBIE: The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Her idea of a shopping spree is to be a contestant on The Price is Right.

3) SOUTHEAST BARBIE: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ... unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

4) SOUTH ROANOKE BARBIE: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, maxed-out credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. Barbie won't be able to afford any of them.

5) GARDEN CITY BARBIE: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

6)RALEIGH COURT BARBIE: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as full-season (yearly) subscription to The Grandin Theatre and the Roanoker magazine.

7) BEDFORD COUNTY BARBIE: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise a cid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Let's not forget the a*s tattoo and thong. Also available with a mobile home.

8) OLD SOUTHWEST BARBIE: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Old Southwest Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

9) NORTHWEST CITY BARBIE: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of her second child of questionable heritage.

10) SOUTHERN BOTETOURT BARBIE: This Barbie comes complete with Soccer Mom outfit of white pants and shirt and tennis shoes and one set of clothing for shopping at Kroger. Mini-van accessory for toting kids to the Sports Complex optional. Blue Collar Ken comes complete with lunch pail, coveralls and sports suit for those "dress up" days.

11) ASHLEY PLANTATION BARBIE: This Barbie comes complete with Barbie's Mansion Home. Certificate of Mortgage with $3,500 house payment comes with the dollhouse. Furniture is optional; Hummer2 for front driveway required. Ashley Plantation Swim Club membership included. Completely interchangeable with the SOUTH ROANOKE BARBIE Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper set.

12) NORTH BOTETOURT BARBIE: This blue-jeaned Barbie comes with unkempt hair and a screaming toddler on her hip; Farmer Ken optional but suggested. Barbie's Run-Down Farmhouse comes complete with horse, cow, chickens and a 10-year old Ford pickup truck. Barbie fashion accessories include hair barretts, bright red false fingernails, T-shirts and halter tops and a cassette of country music.

13) CRAIG COUNTY BARBIE: This Barbie comes dressed in the Confederate Flag with optional sheet to pull over her head. Barbie and Tobacco-Spitting Ken doll come with a fold-out farm with a mobile home for their little ones. UFO background set available. Must-have additions include the 1959 Farm Tractor, the broken-down Volkswagon, and the garden full of marijuna plants that borders the National Forest.

*Note: Most of these were sent to me in an e-mail; I only added a couple to make it to 13).