My 40th wedding anniversary is almost here. I suppose being married for 40 years could make me a marriage expert, but honestly, no. I do have some ideas about relationships, though. Many of these apply not only to marriage to to friendships, family relationships, etc. But here are 13 things I've found that have helped us maintain our sanity and commitment to one another.
1. We are friends. I think this is likely the most important aspect of a good marriage. If you are only lovers but not friends, then the laughs are few and the grouchies are many. Your partner should be someone you can laugh and cry with.
3. Learn patience. Don't only be patient with your partner, but also yourself. Reacting in anger or frustration doesn't help and generally only starts needless arguments. Try to understand your partner’s perspective and needs.
4. Respect each other’s individuality. Don’t lose yourself in the relationship, but keep your own hobbies, interests, and values. Everyone needs some alone time.
5. However, is important to also have shared interests, values, goals, and beliefs. Having these things in common can help you overcome differences of opinion and other challenges. (I mean, can you imagine a marriage where someone loves #45 and the other person hates him? I can't.) Common interests might include gardening, bird watching, enjoying the same kind of TV or movies, etc.
6. Support one another in various ways. Help the other person grow personally and professionally. Encourage your partner to pursue dreams and passions. Celebrate achievements. For example, I attended every promotion event my husband had as he rose through the ranks of the fire department. I could have been elsewhere, but I chose to be with him during these special times. I also made sure his shirts were clean!
7. Make time for each other, even if you are busy or stressed. Do fun and meaningful activities together. If nothing else, go have lunch.
8. Show appreciation and gratitude. Express your thanks and praise for your partner’s efforts and contributions to the relationship. Don't take your person for granted. After all, tomorrow is not guaranteed.
9. Be flexible and adaptable. Don’t be rigid or stubborn but be willing to compromise and adjust to changing circumstances. Stuff happens. Old bodies begin to break down. Things don't always go as planned. Learn to roll with it.
10. Resolve conflicts constructively and quickly. The longer an argument festers, the harder it will be to overcome it. Don’t avoid or escalate problems but try to address them calmly and respectfully (this is difficult in the heat of the moment, I know). Listen to each other and seek win-win solutions. Sometimes you have to leave the room and come back, but don't just let an issue dissolve without resolution.
11. Trust and be trustworthy. Don’t lie or cheat. Be honest and faithful to your partner. Believe in and respect your partner.
12. Respect each other’s boundaries. Give your partner space and privacy. Don’t demand or expect. (I find it hard not to have expectations. I mean, there are certain things one expects people to do. Be polite, for example. Fix the dripping sink. Occasionally compliment you on a good pork chop. Whatever.)
Lastly, you have to know yourself if you're going to have a relationship. If you don't know your own good points and bad points, it only makes things that much more difficult. I highly recommend a good therapist occasionally for everyone, no matter who you are or your marital status. Everyone can benefit from some good inner work.
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Thursday Thirteen is played by lots of people; there is a list here if you want to read other Thursday Thirteens and/or play along. I've been playing for a while, and this is my 833rd time to do a list of 13 on a Thursday. Or so sayth the Blogger counter, anyway.
I love these, especially #7. Good for you, and long may you love.
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