Thursday Thirteen

I admit it, I stole the idea for this post from this post here. I read it first thing this morning, saw the number 13, and wiped my brow in relief because otherwise I wouldn't have a TT.

In any event, here are 13 reasons why I might be failing at something. I think this goes for pretty much anything but in my case it is writing a book. That's been a lifelong goal that I have set so far out in the heavens that I have made it unreachable.

1. I think I have no time. This is not true - if you really want to do something, you make the time. Whatever you make a priority you find time for. In my case, apparently writing is not my priority since I am not doing it. Some of my writing is a priority - the stuff I get paid for. It's the stuff that I don't get paid for that is problematic. Apparently laundry and keeping the kitchen clean are priorities, but writing a book is not.

2. It's scary. Change is always scary, doing something hard is scary, and worrying about what others think of you is scary. But you know what? You have to feel the fear and do it anyway. I know this intellectually. Emotionally I still am hiding behind my mother's skirts.

3. I over-think it. I get accused of this all time. I think about something so much that I poke holes in and rework it in my brain and nothing becomes concrete. If I'd stop thinking and start doing, I think I would be much better off. (Is that over thinking to think that?)

4. I don't set goals. Well, I have these amorphous goals, like "write a book" but that's just a dream, not a goal. A goal would be to write 250 words a day. I see the forest and forget the trees. (But if we chop all the trees down what happens to the rain forest, huh? What about the tree frogs?)

5. I have people in my life who don't support me. Support comes in many different forms and lack of support includes not believing in me, thinking I will never amount to anything, or thinking that I am not good enough or do not deserve success. I do have people in my life who think like that and will tell me how badly I am doing and what I do deserve (which apparently isn't much). Others may not come right out and say mean words, but they don't support me. Supporting me would mean encouragement, expressing interest, or something along those lines. Perhaps it is my fault because I don't ask for support. Maybe I have support and don't recognize it, or maybe the support I do have is so small that it is drowned out by the other noise. I really should just listen to myself. You can do it, Anita.

6. I think small. I do not crave millions of dollars or even to write a best seller. I have never wanted that. When I first realized that I wanted to be a writer, my goal was to be a hack writing Nancy Drew books under the Carolyn Keene pseudonym, really. That changed over time, of course, but not by much. I would be quite content writing books like that, I think.

7. I don't really want what I think the thing I obtain will bring. Success brings change, you know. That's scary. (See #2).

8. Something's missing inside me. This is probably not true, but this is a notion that I have sometimes. In my case, I think I'm not emotionally connected to other people well enough, and that will show in a longer piece of work. Newspaper writing doesn't require me to be personally invested. I think I'm too intellectual and too disconnected with the feeling part of me. I don't believe in myself, is what it boils down to.

9. I think what I have is all I deserve. I think that's self-explanatory, and it relates back to #5.

10. I feel I am not in control, that my life is being played out by others. See also #5.

11. I waste time. I am terrible at being productive unless I have deadlines or other people depending on me for something. Then I'm a whiz kid. But if I'm the person depending on me? Nope. Doesn't happen. I always need someone else looking over my shoulder.
 
12. I spend too much time on the computer doing things that I shouldn't. This includes social media and for me, video games. It probably even includes blogging although I really like blogging and it is writing, at least. However, all of these things suck life and time away. You feel like you've done something (see #11) but not really. I mean, so what if I reach level 133 in Candy Crush. What have I really accomplished? It's like being the best at Guitar Hero. That's great but you still can't play the guitar and create your own music. It's a worthless skill. (I can play the guitar for real, though. I've written several songs though of course no one has ever heard them outside of family.)

13. I think the world owes me. Well, not really. This is the only one in the aforementioned post I swiped this from that did not resonate with me. I don't think anyone owes me anything and hopefully don't act like I do. I've worked hard to get where I am today. I just need to work harder, and stop making excuses (oh, I'm sick, I am tired, I am not well, blah blah blah, which though true does not excuse not trying), and get to work.



Thursday Thirteen is played by lots of people; there is a list here. I've been playing for a while and this is my 332nd time to do a list of 13 on a Thursday.