Q&A With Mrs. Claus

It's almost Christmas! In honor of Little Christmas Eve, I present to you my first-ever interview with . . . Mrs. Claus!

Q. Mrs. Claus, thank you for agreeing to this interview. I chose to interview you instead of your husband because I am a staunch believer in the strength of women and women's rights. What are you thoughts on women?

A. Oh, I favor women's rights, too! These are the women's rights Mr. Claus favors: right to make fudge, the right to decorate the tree, the right to cook until their feet hurt. I prefer that women have the same rights as men - they should have a good education, be able to own property, marry whom they please, worship as they wish, be paid the same as a man, and the right to take care of themselves without being told what they can and can't do by a government. Also, everyone deserves good health care. Health care is free for all the elves at the North Pole. And they should be able to drive the sleigh if they want! The oppression in some of these countries is abysmal and growing worse in some of the, shall I say, what used to be more modern countries. I disapprove but I have never been one to interfere.

Q. Don't you think that as a public figure you should speak up?

A. Oh no, I am not that public a figure. My husband gets all of the credit, you know. Never mind that without me those darned elves wouldn't get a thing done. I know how to persuade those little mischief makers to put all their energy into making toys. All the big guy does is "ho ho" this and "ho ho" that. He stands in the spotlight and the cameras flash, but if it wasn't for me do you think his suit would fit? Not at all! That man is rather like Ronald Reagan, only good as a front man to take all the glory while the real work is done behind the scenes.

Q. You sound a little bitter.

A. Bitter? Land's sake, no. I'm not bitter. I've been doing this for centuries now, I'm used to it. It's just that I thought things were improving for women in the 20th century and it's been a bit of a concern to watch progress deteriorate in the new millennium. It's like the world has some kind of elf-rash on its behind and everyone is grumpy. Wait, Grumpy is a dwarf, not an elf. But you know what I mean.

Q. You do not go by your first name. In fact, my records indicate you don't have one. Some countries call you Mother Christmas. Doesn't this negate your personhood?

A. You bet your sweet bippy it does! My real name is Joan. Like Joan de Arc. I don't know where these other names came from. Jessica, they called me in that claymation show with the burgermeister meisterburgers. I mean, really. Where did they come up with that name? But I was a teacher before I married Mr. Claus - at least most of the shows have that part right. I think teaching is a noble profession. Those people who have fussed about teachers in the last few years deserve nothing but coal in their stockings. And that's a fact! They should remember I have access to the naughty-nice list.

Q. Our time is almost up. I appreciate your taking time out of your busy schedule to visit with me. Is there anything else you'd like to say before we wrap this up?

A. Yes! Be nice to one another. Stop all of this sniping, whining, and whinging, and be good boys and girls. Some of you may have to dig deep for it, but there is goodness there. So find it, for goodness sake! Do you know the naughty list grows longer every year? Every member of Congress is on it! Every single one! And some of those boys and girls were such nice young people, too. It's a shame, really. And as for you, young lady, I am watching you. You're not a bad sort and you're certainly not on the naughty list, but you live too much in your head. Next year I'm going to be watching you personally for some indication you are working on your feeling capacity. Not because you're a woman, but because you're human. Changing and growth is important even at your age.

Q. So I have been good? That's nice to know. I will work on myself in the new year, I promise. Our time is up, so any last words?

A. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!