The Gaffe

Thursday I had reason to be at the funeral home to offer condolences.

My in-laws and husband came too, as our dear departed was a family friend. Most of the neighborhood and town turned out to say farewell to the elderly woman.

After we had all paid our respects, we stood around as people do, looking over the room, making sure we hadn't missed any family members. A lady spotted me and flung up a hand, "Hey A.," she said.

"Oh, hi! Have you met my mother-in-law? E. F., this is Lynn B.," I said, as politely and helpfully as one could be.

They shook hands. "Nice to meet you, I'm Jane J.," said the erroneously labeled newcomer.

Properly mortified, what could I say? "I'm sorry, I mistook you for Lynn B., I never realized before how much you look alike," I stammered.

In hindsight, they look nothing alike, but at the funeral parlor, and particularly with Lynn B.'s name on my mind because my mother-in-law had mentioned her to me just a few moments before, I could have sworn they were twins.

I can only imagine how Jane J. relayed that conversation to her husband, who is actually someone I do know on sight. In my defense, I think I've actually met Jane J. twice in my lifetime, but still, I should know her on sight.

Unfortunately I deal with a lot of people in my work, and folks whom I spent an hour interviewing (occasionally years and years before) sometimes thinks that means I know who they are. It's not unusual for me to be accosted in the grocery store by strangers who read my work in the paper and think they know me. In fact I rarely get through the store without somebody stopping me for a chat. Generally speaking I don't mind; I like to chat. And who knows when another story for the paper will come out of a greeting.

But I do get greatly embarrassed when I can't remember names. Sometimes I just pretend I know who these people are, and they walk away apparently without realizing I am clueless. (And usually remain clueless, never to know who the heck I was talking to.) Other times I say, "I'm so sorry, I know I should know who you are, but I can't seem to recall."

People don't like it if you don't remember who they are. I understand that; your name is an important part of your identity. This is a real problem for me; I can recall faces but if someone is "out of place" I have a very difficult time remembering them. I do name association things, like "Karen works at the Kourthouse" or "Annie at APCO" to try to remember, but it does not always work. And when you deal with hundreds of different people throughout the year, well, it gets confusing.

Since I have such difficulty recalling names, I usually introduce myself right away to people when I call or greet them. One of the most memorable times I did that was when I called a lawyer I had worked for seven years prior to ask for a referral. "Hi Walt, this is A., remember? I worked for you at . . . ."

His somewhat incredulous response was along the lines of, "Of course I remember, I'd have to be a complete idiot to forget." And what do you say to that?

And then there are people I recognize but haven't seen in a while, and I sometimes say something like, "Hey! It's A., remember, we met at thus and so ..." and they usually look annoyed and say "Of course I remember."

I fear they take it as an insult when I re-introduce myself to them.

So having made this terrible gaffe most recently, I scratch my head and wonder how to overcome this obvious deficit in my brain functioning. It is a problem I suspect will only worsen as I age.

"Remember me? Good, 'cause I've forgotten you." Yikes. I haven't, not really. I know who you are.

I just don't know your name.