Maybe They'd Be Happy For A While

I have always been one of those people who want to please other people.

As a child, I spent more time trying to make sure my parents, grandparents, brother, and friends were happy with me. So much so that I was pretty miserable.

The people I was trying to please would be happy with me for a while, but then they wouldn't be. Frequently, I have learned as an adult, this had absolutely nothing to do with me, but as a child I internalized it and it didn't help that at various times my parental units didn't mind letting me know everything was my fault.

So I spent much thought and effort trying to keep the peace, keep things smooth, keep things calm. To this day, I dislike strife, I keep my opinions to myself if they may cause rancor (Facebook posts tend to be deleted frequently on my account if something I thought innocuous blows up in my face), and I do better if I stay to myself.

Being a semi-public figure at one time as a news reporter, this is laughable, really, because I am pretty sure that at some point I angered nearly everyone in this county for some reason or another. Maybe it was because they misread what I wrote, or disagreed with the topic, but regardless of reason, thousands of articles appeared under my byline, and that meant I was the one responsible for whatever emotion the article called forth.

You try to keep 20,000 people happy and see how well you do.

Trying to make everybody happy is exhausting. I don't do it as much as I used to. The older I've grown, the less I care what others think. They don't mind hurting me, or causing me distress, after all. My feelings don't matter to them. Why should theirs matter to me?

Being a stronger person than the people pleaser is hard work, too. I think I find most of life to be hard work. I know there are people who flit through like butterflies, and others who plod through but never give it a moment's thought, and some who skate across as if born with polar bear paws on their feet. And then there are people like me, who never go in a straight line, who climb mountains only to fall off the other side, and who cross deserts in the middle of rain storms without a glass anywhere in sight.

One of the first things a person who is a people pleaser must learn is how to say no. And it needs to be "no" without excuses. Saying "no" is perfectly fine, and no reason is needed. People in my circle want a reason, so I have come up with the solution of "It's not my policy." For some reason, if something is a policy then it is perfectly fine not to do it. I don't know why, but it works.

The other thing I have trouble with is asking for what I want. Frequently that is because I don't know what I want, except that I don't have whatever it is I want, because I am uncomfortable and feeling, well, wrong. So this one is difficult for me. I can ask for some things - I am very good at asking for hugs, for example. However, I don't do many things simply because I don't ask anyone to go with me, or I don't ask it of myself. For example, I would like to go to the local museums more often. I don't. That's me not asking what I want either of myself or of my husband or a friend. I am sure a few of my friends would be quite happy to accompany me to a museum if I asked. But I don't ask.

I also have trouble with boundaries. I think most people pleasers have problems with this. Being grabbed in your privates is an unacceptable boundary that apparently many now find acceptable, but I assure you on this particular point that if I am touched inappropriately, I will be visiting the magistrate. I can set those kinds of boundaries.

Emotional boundaries are harder. For example, being told that the reason Person A does something is because Person B made them is just wrong. Reactions are a choice, but this is a tactic frequently used by bullies. "I have to hit you because you said the wrong thing." We all know that is stinking thinking, but after a while you tend to start believing there must be something wrong with you, if you keep doing the wrong thing and deserve to be hit all the time. (For the record, no one has hit me in a very long time. And anyone who did would find themselves behind bars.)

People pleasing is a need for outside validation. It means I can't validate myself, that something inside of me is broken. Call it lack of confidence or lack of self-esteem, something is missing.

But you know what? I'm okay, really. I'm a decent human being with a lot of empathy for others. I give money to worthy causes, and when I was well I gave a lot of my time and energy to my community. I check on my friends and I try to be nice to everyone.

So what if I can't make everyone happy all the time. That's really not my problem, is it.

It's my life. My rules.

I'm all grown up now.

Sunday Stealing: Forceful Questions

Sunday Stealing: The Very Forceful Questions

1. Do you have/have you had any pets?

A mama cow with her newborn.

A. At present, I have a herd of cows. After I married, my husband and I had a dog named Ginger; she was 17 years old when she passed away, which is a very long life for a dog. I chose not to get another. As a child, we went through quite a number of dogs: Prince and Princess, two dalmations, both of whom I think were run over by the milk truck, Heidi, a poodle, Major, her son, Schooner, a collie-mix of some kind, Trixie, and probably a few more that my brother will remind me of. My father also raised various birds, including ducks, pheasants, peacocks, and quail.



2. Do you play video games? If so, do you have a favorite video game series?

A. I confess I am a video game addict. I have been playing video games for as long as there have been video games. I played Pong, for heaven's sake. Currently my favorite video game series is The Elder Scrolls, and my favorite video game is Skyrim, which is The Elder Scrolls V game. I used to love the Might and Magic series, including the Heroes of Might and Magic line, and I also liked (or still like) Commander Keen, the original Wolfenstein games, Microsoft's Age of Empire series, Myst, King's Quest, The Sims, Civilization, Dungeon Siege, puzzle and word games, solitaire games, and hidden object games. Yes, I spend far too much time playing said games.

The Dragonborn looking out over Skyrim

Skyrim

3. Any unpopular opinions on anything?

A. Apparently it is not popular to think that people deserve to have a societal safety net, health care, retirement funds, or a living wage. It is also not popular to believe in equal rights for everyone, and that women are human beings.

4. Do you have a favorite gem? If yes, has anyone ever bought you jewelry with that gem?

A. I had to think about this question. I like pearls, which is one of the three stones associated with June (the other two being moonstone and alexandrite). My husband has bought me pearls.

5. Favorite story genres?

A. Fantasy, mystery, "literary" and young adult. I don't read porn or horror but pretty much anything else I will attempt.

6. What was once a secret that you can now share? (The original question was "What kind of fruit do you hate" which is type of question that I think "who cares?" so I just change them.)

A. I used to be a skinny person.

7. Do you like reading?

A. I love reading. I would read all the time if I didn't have all of those video games to play.

8. What time is it for you now, what are you usually doing at this time of the day?

A. It is almost 4 p.m. and I should be worrying about fixing supper or attempting to do my physical therapy, but my husband is asleep in the great room, which is where my physical therapy stuff is as well as the kitchen. So I am in here in my office at the desktop instead.

9. What character on TV or in film is most similar to you? You can go with looks or personality. Or you can make a quip and go to the next question.

A. I am a cross between Frances, from Under the Tuscan Sun (played by Diane Lane) and Evelyn Couch from Fried Green Tomatoes (played by Kathy Bates).

10. What's something weird you wanna do? It cannot be weirder than Mr. Watermelonhead.

A. I don't know what Mr. Watermelonhead is so I cannot make the comparison. I would like to live in a treehouse. Not a little treehouse, but one of those real mansions built in a tree that you see on the Treemaster show.
  
11. Have you ever accomplished a New Years Resolution?

A. I'm sure I have at some point.

12. Is there any music artist you look up to?

A. Melissa Etheridge. She's my age and she's had a hard time of it, with breast cancer and being gay and all. I also think Bonnie Raitt is highly underrated and that Nancy Wilson is one of the greatest female guitar players around.

13. Are you allergic to anything? If yes, what?

A. Dust, dirt, tree pollen, grass pollen, bee stings, bug bites, every fragrance known to humanity except chocolate and vanilla, shellfish and maybe other fish (I avoid them all now), citrus fruit, milk products - pretty much everything. My husband gave me some jigsaw puzzles for Christmas and the puzzle dust gave me an asthma attack. How sad is that? We took the unopened ones back.

14. When was the last time you took a swim? Who else was with you?

A. It's been years, and I would have been with my husband. I think it was at Myrtle Beach.

15. Would you rather have the ability to sleep for as long as you want, or have the ability to never have to sleep?

A. If I never had to sleep and never grew tired, then that one. Imagine what else we could accomplish if one third of our lives wasn't spent in bed!

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I encourage you to visit other participants in Sunday Stealing posts and leave a comment. Cheers to all us thieves who love memes, however we come by them.

Saturday 9: Wake Me Up

Saturday 9: Wake Me Up Before You Go Go (1984)

Unfamiliar with this week's tune? Hear it here.

1) This song was inspired by a note WHAM! partner Andrew Ridgeley left for his parents. He accidentally wrote "go" twice. What was the last handwritten note you left for someone?

A. A phone number for my husband when someone called about hay.

2) Born Georgios Panayiotou, George Michael was the son of the Greek restauranteur in East London. When you think of Greek cuisine, what comes to mind?

A. Olives. I am not good with food questions, I don't know the difference between cultures as far as food goes. If it tastes good, I eat it, if it doesn't, I don't.

3) He was a terrible driver and admitted his license was suspended a number of times. Have you ever lost your license?

A. No. I did have to attend a driver's education seminar because I topped a hill and rear-ended a vehicle stopped on the other side. I bruised myself up pretty good.

4) WHAM! partner Andrew Ridgeley, on the other hand, is a talented driver who got to live his fantasy by racing Formula Three in Monaco. There are companies that sell racetrack driving experiences that allow you to spin around the track at dizzying speeds. Is this something you like to try?

A. My husband did that just this fall. We went to Pocono Race Track where he went around the track at about 140 mph or something. I watched.

5) In 1990, Frank Sinatra famously gave George Michael advice. Ol' Blue Eyes told the younger man to enjoy his fame, to remember all those lean nights traveling from gig to gig by bus and, now that he's successful, "loosen up and swing, man." Who last gave you advice? Did you take it?

A. My friend T. last gave me advice and yes, I took it, mostly because the advice was, "Anita, go take your medicine" and it was past time for me to do that anyway.

6) Mr. Michael's neighbors have reported since his passing that he seemed to live rather quietly, and that they usually saw him when he was out walking his three dogs. Tell us about the last time you spoke to one of your neighbors.

A. My neighbor called me about a week ago to give a report on her partner, who is 93 years old and in poor health. The neighbor herself is in her late 70s and had shown up on my doorstep before the holidays terrified her friend was going to die, and she had me write up an obituary and go through my photos to find a nice picture of her. I obliged. But so far the old gal is hanging in there. **UPDATE** At noon today I received a call from the neighbor that her friend had passed away. I am sad.

7) Fansites tell us that George Michael's favorite cereal was cornflakes. What breakfast cereals are currently in your kitchen?

A. Rice Krispies, Chex, and Cheerios.

8) In 1984, when "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" was popular, Murder, She Wrote premiered on CBS. Today it's still seen in reruns all over the world. Are you a fan?

A. I don't watch it now, but I didn't think it was a bad show on its initial run.

9) RANDOM QUESTION: What's your secret to a good night's sleep?

A. Drugs. I know that is not a lot of help. The other thing I do is count backwards from 10 and then when I hit one I open a door and go into my imaginary world, which is very calm and sedate.

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I encourage you to visit other participants in Saturday 9 posts and leave a comment. Because there are no rules, it is your choice. Saturday 9 players hate rules. We love memes, however.  

Thursday Thirteen

1. Fridays no longer hold the allure for me that they once did, now that I am semi-retired (or whatever you want to call it). When I worked the 8 to 5 routine, Fridays were the days I aimed for. Now Fridays are just another day. I am reminded of the time the Dowager on Downton Abby asked, "What is a weekend?" We can thank Henry Ford for shutting down his motorcar building operations on Saturday and Sunday for the weekend as we know it today.

2. Generally speaking, many women do not stop working for the weekend. When I worked full time, and even when freelancing, Saturday was housecleaning day, and Sunday was catch-up day. Actually I still do most of my housecleaning on Saturday. I think this has changed, though. Younger people seem to share household chores better than my generation.

3. How did I do it? Sometimes when I think back on all the things I did when I was younger - at one point I was working two jobs, attending college, and still fixing my husband his dinner - and realize that aging really does slow you down. If you're a young person, just wait. You'll feel it one day.

4. Injuries to the heart and soul are the most difficult to repair. A broken bone can mend and sometimes be stronger, but a broken heart and soul always has a hole. Not all such injuries come from the ones you love. Sometimes your community can betray you, too. This is especially true if you happen to love your community.

5. Just yesterday I was looking at the local newspaper and noting that my renewal date is coming up. I have subscribed to it for 34 years, and have read it for at least 44 years. I shouldn't even have to think about renewing, but this thought keeps coming to me: what difference does it make if I know what is going on or not? The people in charge are going to do whatever they want regardless.

6. Knowing I have become a cynic does not bring me relief. Instead it makes me sad that the years have jaded me and turned me a bit sour regarding the goodness of my fellow human beings.

7. Last night I stayed up until nearly midnight searching for something I thought I had lost. I was sitting on the bed, trying to think how I would tell my husband that I had misplaced this precious something, when I realized where it was. And yes, there it was.

8. Many people disagree with me but I try to love them anyway. It is hard.

9. Now is the time for all good men and women to come to the aid of their country.

10. Open and shut, open and shut. That means something in the back of my head and it relates to the state of the day, but I cannot state what I am trying to say. My brains are scrambled like breakfast eggs this morning.

11. People need people, even introverts like me who prefer to be alone much of the time. Sometimes, though, a hug is the remedy, not a book. Though books are always good.

12. Quietly, I sift through the sordid news of the morning, reading and wincing, my heart pounding, my blood pressure rising, until I must put it aside and stop, simply for the sake of sanity.

13. Rather than come up with some kind of list, this is a random 13, because I am listless in more ways than one.


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Thursday Thirteen is played by lots of people; there is a list here if you want to read other Thursday Thirteens and/or play along. I've been playing for a while and this is my 482nd time to do a list of 13 on a Thursday.

Miscellaneous Questions

1. Who or what are you named after? A. Nobody, really.

2. Last time you cried? A. Close to Christmas.

3. Do you like your handwriting? A. No. It's so bad, I could be a doctor.

4. What is your favorite lunch meat? A. Honey ham.

5. Do you have kids? A. No.

6. Do you use sarcasm? A. What, do you think I am some sort of linguist?

7. Do you still have your tonsils? A. No.

8. Would you bungee jump? A. Not at this age. Maybe when I was younger.

9. What is your favorite kind of cereal? A. Rice Krispies.

10. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? A. Most of the time.

11. Do you think you're strong? A. Not physically, but mentally.

12. What is your favorite ice cream? A. I don't eat ice cream.

13. What is the first thing you notice about someone? A. Eyes and/or hair.

14. What do you do to relax? A. Write, read, play guitar, color.

15. What is the least favorite thing you like about yourself? A. I'm overweight.

16. What color pants are you wearing? A. Blue.

17. Last thing you ate? A. An oatmeal cookie.

18. What are you listening to right now? A. The hum of the heater, clocks ticking, my fingers on the keyboard.

19. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? A. Violet.

20. Favorite smell? A. Cookies baking.

21. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? A. My husband.

22. Favorite sport to watch on TV? A. Women's tennis.

23. Hair color? A. Brown with soft white (aka gray).

24. Eye color? A. Hazel.

25. Favorite food to eat? A. Chocolate.

26. Scary movies or happy? A. Happy.

27. Last movie you watched? A. The Fellowship of the Ring.

28. What color shirt are you wearing? A. Yellow.

29. Favorite holiday? A. Halloween.

30. Wine or beer? A. I don't drink.

Weekend Snow

Sunday Stealing: Shipwrecked!

Sunday Stealing: The Shipwreck Questions

You are shipwrecked with friends (your group can include real life or virtual life or both) think about it and pick some friends to truly enjoy your cruise +  and tell us why you assembled the group by just telling us . . .

(I chose my virtual life in Lord of the Rings Online, so . . . )

Who would throw the wildest parties, and why did you pick them? Gimli, because dwarves know how to drink with great gusto.

Who would always fall asleep on the couch, and why did you pick them? Pippin, because he is lazy and spends too much time smoking the long bottom leaf.

Who would enter to be in a talent show, and why did you pick them? Eowyn, because she has an inferiority complex, and would like to show up everyone, especially the guys.

Who would try to get out of doing their chores and why did you pick them? Merry, because, like Pippin, he has never done a day's work in life.

Who would accidentally set the kitchen on fire whilst cooking and why did you stupidly pick them? Smaug, the dragon in the Lonely Mountain, because, well, he has hot breath.

Who would try to domesticate an island pet and why did you pick them? Samwise Gamgee, because he loves the land and the animals. He was very fond of Bill the pony and was sad when he couldn't take him through the mines of Moria.

Who would make the other carry their bags on a shopping spree and why did you pick them? Merry would make Pippin carry his bags, because Merry always leads Pippin around, and Pippin follows. They've done that since they were wee lads. They may also be in line for the drinking question.

Who would throw the first person off the boat and why did you pick them? Aragorn would throw anyone who was bad off the boat, because he is the Elessar (or king) and has great knowledge.

Who would be the best caregiver when someone got sick and why did you pick them? Gandalf, because he is a wizard and a healer.

Who would try to force the another to play sports with them and why did you pick them? Boromir would teach the hobbits to play at swords, in order to show them how to defend themselves. He is a master swordsman from Gondor.

Who would have the best holiday ideas for your space on the island and why did you pick them? Arwen, the elf who wants to marry Aragorn. She would throw a lavish party in order to court her man.

Who would need to clean out someone else's stuff to make room for their own and why did you pick them? Gollem would need to clear away everything he could find, because he is searching for The One Ring.

Who worries about how they will look when they’re older and why did you pick them? Lord Elrond does not worry about how he will look, but he does worry about how his daughter, Arwen, will look, because she has chosen a mortal life and will one day die, while he and the other elves live on in the undying lands.

Flashes everyone when they walk by after taking a shower alone and why did you pick them? Legolas Greenleaf, prince of the Woodland Realm, would gladly flash everyone after a shower, and I would be glad to look.

Who wakes you to asks weird questions in the middle of the night and why did you pick them? I would be the one asking the weird questions in the middle of the night. I already do that. Drives my husband nuts because my brain never goes out of gear.

Who will constantly ask you “what are you thinking about?” and why did you pick them? Gandalf would be asking me that constantly, because he is a curious sort of fellow who likes to know everything.

Which of your friends on this island might being too touchy-feely while you interact, why did you pick them? If I were lucky, Aragorn or Legalos might get a little touchy-feely. They are both beautiful.

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I encourage you to visit other participants in Sunday Stealing posts and leave a comment. Cheers to all us thieves who love memes, however we come by them.

Saturday 9: A New Day

Saturday 9: A New Day Has Come (2002)

Unfamiliar with this week's tune? Hear it here.

Welcome to the first Saturday 9 of 2017!

1) This song is about a new day. Here we are celebrating a new year. What do you hope for in 2017?

A. I hope for better health, more tolerance from myself and by others, and a winning lottery ticket.

2) Ms. Dion has said this song was influenced by the events of 9/11, and how a new day dawned after tragedy. Looking back on 2016, did something happen that you're glad to leave behind and move away from?

A. Oy vey. There was this election that happened that crushed my soul. I would like to think I am leaving behind despair and moving toward hope of some kind.

3) In the video, Celine serenades us from billowy white clouds. Describe the sky where you are as you answer these 9 questions.

A. We have a sky as gray as a mermaid's eyes when she is angry with the sea. We are expecting light snow.

4) This video was shot in West Palm Beach, FL. When settlers arrived in the late 1870s, the town was called Lake Worth County. OK, your turn. Tell us something about your hometown.

A. The city nearest me, Roanoke, VA,  was originally called Big Lick. The town was established in 1852 and became chartered under state law in 1874. (The reason it was called Big Lick was because there was a large salt deposit near the Roanoke River, and wild animals came to the salt lick.) In 1882, the town changed its name to Roanoke, and it became a city two years later.

The area lay along The Great Wagon Road, which history buffs will know was the main route for settlement from Philadelphia into the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia and on into the Carolinas. The road branched near Big Lick, taking people toward Tennessee and to the west.

Roanoke was until this century a railroad town. At one time it was the headquarters for Norfolk & Western, which became Norfolk-Southern. The railroad executives have since moved much of the work out of the area, and the city is reinventing itself as some kind of medical/outdoor tourism hub. Apparently much of this reinvention is sponsored by the local alcoholic community, as we have numerous microbreweries and recently economic developers scored two large breweries that will be moving into the area in the next 18 months.

5) Celine Dion's native tongue is French. Dites-nous quelque chose en Français.

A. Um. Cheese?

6) Celine's mother, Therese, is known in her Quebec neighborhood as a terrific cook. Think about your own domestic talents. Where do you excel? (Food prep, house cleaning, laundry, scheduling, etc.)

A. I am good at laundry, I guess, if I have to pick something. Before I started having health problems I would have said I was a good general overall homemaker, though cooking is not a strong suit.

7) Growing up, Celine and her siblings often performed in her family's piano bar. Where did you most recently enjoy an adult beverage?

A. I think it was in 2012 near the time of my graduation from Hollins University, when I received my masters' degree, in my creative writing class.

8) In 2002, when this song was popular, Kmart was in the news because the company filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. What department store to you shop at most often?

A. Kmart is in the news this week because it closing two stores in Roanoke. How coincidental. I tend to shop at J C Penny more than anywhere else, unless you are counting Walmart. I don't consider Walmart a department store, personally. And frankly, the Kmarts here should close. I haven't spent money in either of them in years, and when I have stopped in, they were filthy and poorly stocked. However, they are the only place where my husband can find my Cheer Free laundry detergent, which he picks up on his way home from work on occasion. So that might be a problem since I can't seem to find it anywhere else.

9) Random question: It's time for a midnight snack and you have your choice of one of these three -- a slice of sausage pizza, a bagel with lox and cream cheese, or a piece of carrot cake. Which will you have? And what shall we bring you to drink?

A. I will have the carrot cake, and a glass of water. Mostly, though, I want the fine and most excellent company of my Saturday 9 friends, so that we may sit down and discuss the remains of the day.

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I encourage you to visit other participants in Saturday 9 posts and leave a comment. Because there are no rules, it is your choice. Saturday 9 players hate rules. We love memes, however.