Thursday, February 08, 2018

Thursday Thirteen

Barbie dolls for 2018

1) HIGH FALUTIN' BARBIE: This princess Barbie is sold only at Neiman Marcus, usually purchased online. She comes with an assortment of Louis Vuitton handbags, a leased Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a house larger than she and Ken can afford. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken, M.D. sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

2) MOM VAN BARBIE: The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

3) GET-OF-JAIL FREE CARD BARBIE: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) . . . unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

4) "MIDDLE INCOME" BARBIE: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, maxed-out credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. Barbie won't be able to afford any of them.

5) COUNTRY GIRL IN THE CITY BARBIE: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

6) OVER-AGED AND NOT ACKNOWLEDGING IT BARBIE: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as full-season (yearly) subscription to the local opera and Amazon Prime.

7) DOWN HOME COUNTRY BARBIE: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Let's not forget the butt tattoo and thong. Also available with a mobile home.

8) THE GENTLY AGING HIPPIE BARBIE: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Hippie Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

9) THE NEW MOMMIE BARBIE: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a small car and/or bus pass. Baby Daddy Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find.

10) MOBILE AND ON THE RISE BARBIE: This Barbie comes complete with Soccer Mom outfit of white pants and shirt and tennis shoes and one set of clothing for shopping at the local large food chain. Mini-van accessory for toting kids to the nearby sports fields optional. Blue Collar Ken comes complete with lunch pail, coveralls and sports suit for those "dress up" days.

11) MADE IT AND WILL MOVE IN FIVE YEARS BARBIE: This Barbie comes complete with Barbie's Mansion Home. Certificate of Mortgage with $3,500 house payment comes with the dollhouse. Furniture is optional; Hummer2 for front driveway required. Local swim club membership included. Completely interchangeable with the "MIDDLE INCOME" Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper set.

12) COUNTRY GIRL FOR SURE BARBIE: This blue-jeaned Barbie comes with unkempt hair and a screaming toddler on her hip; Farmer Ken optional but suggested. Barbie's Run-Down Farmhouse comes complete with horse, cow, chickens and a 10-year old Ford pickup truck. Barbie fashion accessories include hair barrettes, bright red false fingernails, T-shirts and halter tops and a cellphone with Apple's country music station.

13) THE FAR-OUT BARBIE: This Barbie comes dressed in the Confederate Flag with optional sheet to pull over her head. Barbie and Tobacco-Spitting Ken doll come with a fold-out farm with a mobile home for their little ones. UFO background set available. Must-have additions include the 1959 Farm Tractor, the broken-down Volkswagen, and the garden full of marijuana plants that borders the National Forest. Interchangeable with the COUNTRY GIRL FOR SURE Barbie set.

*Just for fun. Sent to me some time ago with local names, I changed it up a bit. No offense intended. If we don't have a sense of humor about what all is going on, we'll all die sad.*


Thursday Thirteen is played by lots of people; there is a list here if you want to read other Thursday Thirteens and/or play along. I've been playing for a while and this is my 538th time to do a list of 13 on a Thursday.

1 comment:

  1. What is the Barbie world coming to?! I got so curious that I googled imaged real 2018 Barbies. Some had pink hair.


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